Life

Oh, many things are happening, have happened, and is to come the Lord willing for my life. I've been distraught, at a loss of what to do, frustrated, not focused, very focused, sorting things out, alone, not alone, exhausted, seeking peace, at peace, it goes on and on. It's called my life. It may be your life, too.

I'm 49. I wonder if all of what I'm currently feeling, thinking, running from, running to, has to do with being 49. I'm on the cusp of life. I pray I am able to grow into a very old lady, who is wise, vivacious, and funny. I want to be so many things, and I want the years to be kind to me.

I realize that on the inside, I'm still a little girl, looking out into the world with hopes that I can do it all, but cautious because who wants to get in trouble. Maybe that's why I appreciate structure so much. I like written rules, so that I will know my boundaries. But then I think, boundaries never stopped me when it came to my weight. Information is abounding on what is the healthiest weight for me, and yet, I cross the line all the time.

My life is so much more than weight, and yet, my life has been stifled by weight. If I am honest, my self esteem has been very low for many years. I sold myself short. Really, I don't even think I sold myself. I think I gave myself away when really I never had to do that at all. I'm glad at 49 I now know this to be true.

I am a person who is worth it. Love is what I'm worth. Whether I am loving me or allowing others to love me. Life circumstances has hindered me to allow others to value me. I think I had no self worth. But see, I'm worth it. Now I know it. I am worth it. I can allow love in, and I can love.

Peace